It has felt like a really big weekend.
I’ve been turning the idea of resilience over and over in my head. My naturopath cited this as my primary issue at our last appointment. “You’re not broken, Karen. You’ve just lost your resilience.” It’s the first time in a really long time any kind of health professional has said something to me that made sense.
I used to be able to go back to back to back with events and appointments and catch-ups all weekend. I just can’t do that anymore. I’m old now, sure, but it’s more than that. I feel like the last 5 years have eaten away at me physically and mentally to the point where I’m like a hollow nest for termites: one well-placed poke and I crumble.
I get overwhelmed easily right now. If someone asks me for even the smallest thing it can make me feel really anxious or tired or both. The idea of facing a weekend with a few different social events can be crippling. My GP says it’s a product of depression, but I don’t think it is. Depression feels (felt?) different to me – it’s like that time of the day when the sun goes down. If you don’t turn the light on, all the colour drains out of everything until there’s darkness. Depression, to me, feels (felt?) like an absence of something. A numbness. This overwhelm and lack of resilience feels like the opposite of that: anything ranging from an unplaceable agitation to a burning hot anxiety.
I’m sure part of the solution is to do what I did on Saturday – if it’s mental overwhelm, to just push through it and mentally rewire myself somehow. But if the overwhelm is physical I need to try and find pockets for myself to rest.
The problem is, though, sometimes I can’t tell which one is which.
Today I am grateful for my bed. I’m praying to the sleep gods for lots of rest tonight, and a peaceful head.
A positive thing about myself today: I feel like every week it’s getting easier to, on a Sunday night, mentally try and set myself up for the week. I used to really dread Monday, but more and more I feel good that every Monday can be like a new start. A way to validate some of what you’re doing, and do better in others. I feel like that is some sort of progress, in no small part because of the work I’ve been putting in.