…on Sydney Town.
As a rule I’m a fan of rain. It washes all the dust and dirt of the day away and everything feels like it becomes new again. The air and the earth and just everything smells better. Today, though, when it started pouring through a hole in the ceiling at work right onto our network hub and phone system, I quickly became less of a fan.
It was certainly an interesting day. Very productive, though, so that’s something.
I’m pondering a lot of things tonight. This is directly the result of 2 emails and a conversation with someone who really shouldn’t matter all that much. I sometimes find that’s the way of things – the people who should have the least influence often irk us or make us contemplate the most. I’m a pretty independent thinker. Relatively that is. I make up my own mind about things and can be kinda persistent with my opinion if I’m really passionate about something. Still, just occasionally I catch myself looking away from myself and out to other people. Weighing and measuring up the me verses them. Their place in the world verses my place. Their choices verses mine.
I’m a little torn about this way of thinking. On one hand I think it’s ultimately pointless – you, yourself, should be the only measure of your success (whatever success is). But on the other hand, how can you measure something without some sort of comparison? How can you ask questions if you don’t see the differences, or if you don’t ultimately think there might be a better way? I guess the thing is to not constantly look to other people for the inspiration to better yourself, but from time to time to check and balance. Or something.
So today came a point where someone said something completely innocently, answering I question I had asked them, and I felt suddenly annoyed and irritated. Which took me completely by surprise, because really it was a totally inappropriate reaction given the circumstances. But then, tonight driving home from work in the pouring rain, I started (as much as it made me mentally squirm) to really ask myself why. And you know what it boiled down to?
Holy cow. I think I was actually jealous. And this is crazy for me, because not only is it an emotion I’m almost totally unfamiliar with, it crept up on me and bit me on the ass taking me completely by surprise. So naturally, once I realised this I came to terms with a few other things.
Anyway, to make a really long and self-absorbed story short, I feel a little less annoyed and irritated and a little more content with things. So I guess everything works out in the end.
And on the weekend, in the Magical land of Wagga, I experienced this in the opposite direction. Because I feel like there’s one part of my life that is impervious to any amount of weighing up or measuring up or anything of that kind. Because I know for a fact it’s plain as day to the rest of the world that it’s wonderful and that really, they should be so lucky.
Anyway, I’m going to bed. Not because I’m tired, really, but because I have an episode of The Office to watch that I haven’t seen before.