I escaped my work Christmas party tonight, and traded it for a lookout and a thunderstorm. The lightening tonight is truly sensational.
It was pretty much winding down when I left anyway. All the Ukrainians had left (there must have been about 40 there) and most of the cleaning had been done. It actually went okay, the whole night. Our Christmas parties are always interesting, because it’s such a culture clash. We had Indians and British and South Africans and Swedish and Irish and Ukrainians and others I’m sure I’m not remembering. It’s one good thing about the job – lots of exposure to people from all over the world.
For some reason tonight though I really didn’t feel like being around people. I spent a lot of the night in my office, trying to hide. And it’s not like I was nervous or anything like that (which in the past has been my problem), it was more just really not wanting to make small talk. Does that make me rude and antisocial? Probably. I just wanted to be at home on my own.
Ironically, now I’m here and alone I just want company. I frustrate myself no end sometimes. I think, though, the sort of company I want I wasn’t likely to find there. I want stimulating conversation that cuts deeper than the surface, and I want the comfort of being able to say uninhibitedly what I’m thinking. I want to be challenged and disagreed with and agreed with.
It’s nights like tonight that I miss being with someone. It’s not just physically sharing space; it’s spending time with someone who only wants to spend time with YOU. I miss that.
I don’t think I could make any relationship work right now though. Until I get over a lot of the crap still going through my head, nothing is going to work long term. And you know, until I take care of myself physically, I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I have so many conflicting ideas in my head right now about that. About how I look, and how I look to other people, and equating the two of them together. A lot of me resents the fact that I need to lose weight for someone to be interested. Christ, is the physical appearance of a person REALLY that important? Turns out, yeah it is. I just don’t fall into a category that makes me physically interesting. I’m too big for a guy and not butch enough for a girl. I get kinda pissed that I have to go to so much more effort for someone to notice I’m not an idiot and can hold a decent conversation, because they’re not attracted to me right away. I get tired of it, so I mostly don’t bother.
Realistically, though, I understand the lack of interest. People, guys particularly, need to be with someone they are proud to be with. They need other guys (and girls I guess) to see who they’re with and be envious. It’s like it reinforces their belief in themselves on some level.
The nice thing about where I’m at right now, though, is that physical appearance is becoming less and less important. Could be that I’m growing up. Could be that I’ve been single too long 😉 Who knows.
I have figured out, in this whole stream of enlightenment thing I’ve got going on right now, that for years I’ve been sabotaging any weight loss. Being as big as I am was a great excuse to not go out, to not make friends, and to be unattractive. None of those things are part of me anymore – I have great friends, a (probably too) active social life, and there are parts of my physical appearance that I genuinely don’t hate. So what’s the problem? There isn’t one. It’s time to figure this out and get it right. And for the first time in my life, this is for me. Not for anyone else, or because someone else thinks it’s a good idea.
I’m nervous though. If I lose weight, and become what most consider to be more attractive, what then? Any balance I have gained recently might be lost. I guess, though, things shift until they’re balanced again. It’s just what happens.
Anyway, the difference between now and 12 months ago is now I know it’s going to happen. In the past the anxiety I’ve felt has come from not being sure I could do it, and letting myself down again. Now the anxiety is coming from the outcome of it actually happening, because I know in my mind now that it’s a given. It was the same in Peru, on day 2 of the Inca Trail. I was really, really struggling to make it up that mountain – it was so HARD because the struggle in my mind constantly was whether or not I could do it. Then I just decided that I would. After that, the struggle was more about minimising the pain before I got there rather than whether I would get there at all. So it’s a feeling I’m familiar with, and I know from experience how determined I can be.
Whatever it is, it’s all good. I’m still not sleeping, but I’m being patient about that and trying not to over think it. Tomorrow I have a server upgrade to do (well, Alan does, but I will make sure he gets there on time, make him coffee and hand him screwdrivers 😉 ), but after that I am officially on leave for 10 days. And it feels like a real break as well – a few days at home with no plans, time with family (which might very well drive me nuts) and time with friends. Very nice indeed 🙂
I need to stop typing. Perhaps I should have stuck to the pen and paper – writer’s cramp would have stopped me well before now.