I will try and shake away this disease

March 30th, 2006

I had a bit of a dummy spit this week. I stopped responding to emails, stopped answering my phone, stopping posting here and stopped responding to most text messages. It’s like I have this level of tolerance for the human race that hangs on by a very small thread. Then, something will happen to completely reinforce why I usually lack patience with people, and the dummy gets spat.


I did eventually get over myself though ;)


People can be hurtful without really meaning to be. Also, if I use self-depreciating humour a lot of the time, I can’t expect other people not to see that as an open invitation to give me their own opinion on my life. Worse than that, though, is the truth in what they might say. Regardless of how harshly it was put, if you react so badly to something someone says to you, there must be an element of truth in it, right? I don’t know. I need to put some thought into that.


I have a whole day stretching ahead of me. Really, I can do what I like with it, but there are a few things I ought to get done. Like washing clothes and my car, I should go to the bank, and I need to go pick up a few things. All stuff I don’t get a chance to do during the week.


Work has been NUTS. It took me hours to get away last night – taking 2 days off is asking for it really. My problem is, I can’t just walk away. If I didn’t stay back and get all that shit done, I would spend the next 4 days stressing. And who wants that?

Aha there was just the most awesome thing on the news. Alexander Downer (that’s not the awesome part, by the way) was talking to Kerry O’Brien ABC news about the AWB wheat thing. He said ‘Somebody, at the end of this whole inquest, is going to eat a lot of humble pie’, and then he stopped, his eyes glazed over, and you could practically see the Homer-esque thought bubble by his head with Homer going ‘MMMM HUMBLE PIE’. Ahaha, it took him like 2 seconds to right himself and then he went ‘Yes. Humble pie.’ Nice one Alex.


I should really go put some washing on before I head out. The weather isn’t so great though for drying it. And I need food!

Different names for the same thing

March 27th, 2006

Blows to your self-confidence can come in the oddest form. The last 20 minutes have taken the air out of my sails completely. I should just learn to leave well alone. You convince yourself that you have plenty to offer the world and you’re a great person to know (no, really! :P) and then you realise how far you really have to go. And what really matters to people. And when you realise THAT, you realise that some people, no matter what sort of person you are, aren’t likely to give you the time of day.

I guess it’s all subjective. I need to keep telling myself that.

And some people you can never thank enough. I could write more here about people who change your life in unimaginable ways, and who fill you up with so much good it makes you a whole different person, but it has already been written and sent to the only person who needs to read it. And I guess that’s all that matters.

Walk on

March 26th, 2006

I have shoes. That’s at least one mission accomplished for today.


Tonight I had dinner with Alan. It’s the first time in a while he and I have spent any time together one on one, and it was actually really nice. We had dinner in Windsor and we talked. It’s all at once comforting and frustrating to see where he is in his life right now and where he’s going. And I’m not a part of it, but I am. I’m sort of on the peripheral of what is happening. And I guess that’s okay.


When you’re in a relationship with someone, and you have been for a really long time, there are certain things that you wish for. Particularly when that relationship is teetering on the edge of a very high precipice and is about to plummet to its death. You think to yourself, if ONLY this person would think these certain things or say what I need them to say, then everything will be okay. And then, when it loses balance over the edge and smashes into a million tiny pieces, you placate yourself by saying well, one day they’re going to realise what they’ve done, and they’re going to feel heart breaking, gut wrenching regret. And then I will laugh and be glad and all will be right with the world.


But I’m not laughing.


I am glad, though. I’m glad that someone got something good from that relationship and that he learnt from what we both went through. And I’m glad that he’s now in a place where he is grateful for what he has and he is at least trying not to take her for granted. It’s the first time since I’ve met him that he’s planning more than 2 days ahead.


I learnt stuff too. I learnt that people change over time, but generally have inherent qualities that will stay the same throughout their life. It is pointless trying to change that or expecting people to be different – it’s not fair. I also learnt that you should start something the way you mean it to progress – if there is something I want out of a situation or a person, I need to be clear about it from the outset.


I also learnt that settling for being second best is no way to live. If I’m with somebody, then they need to be with me. Baggage is one thing, as is respect for an ex and even nostalgia. But pedestals are a whole other thing. I will never again choose to ignore or suck up the words ‘you will never be as good as her’ and I will never, ever talk myself into thinking that that’s okay. In a lot of ways I underestimated how much my self-confidence was decimated during those 4 years and how long it has taken me to recover. It’s slow, but it’s coming.


So tonight I heard him say, no, it was all my fault. Those words that I desperately wanted to hear when we broke up (both times). Now, though, I’m smart enough to know that in any given relationship it’s never the fault of just one person. Whatever the reason the whole thing imploded, there were two people there.


I mentioned before that I also felt frustration today. And actually, I’m not sure I can elaborate on why yet. I think it might be frustration with myself, but maybe also with the comment from Alan ‘if you hadn’t been with me for all that time, you would probably be married by now’. As much as I hate to admit it, he’s probably right. Funny that the frustration I felt at that realisation was almost equally met with a sense of relief.


I like my life right now, but I feel like I’m wasting time. But I should be doing what instead exactly? I have no fucking idea.


A bolt from the blue would be great right about now.

Slow beats seething

March 26th, 2006

  1. If there was an International Solitaire Tournament held, I would be CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!

  2. I am just about to leave to go and buy new shoes for work. At the mere thought of that my teeth started grinding involuntarily. I have the option of like 3 large shopping centres that are within 40 minutes from here. None of them are appealing.

  3. I have had Wilco’s Heavy Metal Drummer in my head since Friday night when Tony showed me his shiny shiny pants.

  4. Sunday mornings are how days should be always. Endless opportunity, The Beatles on the stereo, no hurry and melon and toast for breakfast.

Watching ‘roaches climb the walls

March 26th, 2006

So like, Rage started out all Beth Orton and Jeff Buckley. And since then it’s got a little strange. The lead singer of Pulp is really odd looking. And from about 4AM a whole gammut of Augie March begins. But I just can’t stay up. Last night was late and this morning was early and today was busy.

And I’m not quite used to the blonde yet. I guess it will take couple of days. I just walked past a mirror and sort of suprised myself. It’s probably a good thing I didn’t dye it blue like I threatened to yesterday when I was speaking to Brenda. The look on her face was worth it.

Two Pulp filmclips in a row. I think the Pulp version of Common People sort of lacks a bit of spunk.

Saturday

March 25th, 2006

Hear that? That was me giving a small yelp of relief because Brenda just left the building. It’s Saturday, I’m at work, and I’ve been trying to prepare all the documents she requires to take with her for these meetings in Canberra. I think I got there, but I always invariably forget something. We’ll see.

I always forget what a presence she is in the office. It’s not necessarily bad; it’s just, umm, large. She fills a room, she’s very loud, and she’s constantly demanding. And it’s not even like she’s demanding in a horrible, ostentatious way. She is just on the go 150% of the time and on top of everything I’ve got to do here it makes for interesting times.

So she’s been back exactly one working week and we’re all somewhat reeling. She’s gone again now for two days, and then we have Wednesday, and then I (THANK FUCK) have two days off and hence a 4 day weekend. I am SO ready for that :) COG OMG!

I’m trying to take each day as it comes here now. The good thing is that I’ve had a lot of positive feedback from a lot of different places about how well I handled all the shit that happened while she was gone this time around. The bad thing about THAT is, all the shite I was dealing with that I wasn’t convinced I was ready for, is all mine now every day of the week. She was so impressed with how I handled the staff evaluations and performance appraisals and training that it has now become part of my job description.

I have this conflict in me about that. I had a certain confidence with them all before – they saw me as a confidant, and someone to come to if they weren’t comfortable approaching Brenda. That’s a good thing because it meant I always had an ear to the ground and I always knew what was going down. Now I’m worried they’re going to see me on another level, and someone who is watching and judging them. I need to put some thought into how I’m going to balance this, because I’m sure there is a way.

And I got another pay rise. When the exam results come, if I pass (please please please let me pass) I get another one. There was talk a couple of weeks back about me going to Ukraine in September, which may or may not happen now but is still on the cards. I am, however, more or less definitely going to TURKEY next year. How cool is that?! I have always wanted to see Turkey. Added to this I have a wedding in Auckland later in the year. I think at the beginning of the year I wrote about having no international travel in the next 12 months. Oh well :)

Today I feel hungry. This is quite something, because 18 out of the last 48 hours I have spent throwing up. I’m not sure what happened, but I’ve felt half a degree under all week and Thursday night it all just spiralled into one big sick blackness. I was up all night Thursday really ill, got up Friday morning wanting to die, and managed to drag myself into work (albeit late). I had plans to go to Newtown last night (Happy Leg Day!) and I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. About 4 I started feeling a little better, and all day I had a nag that I really should go and not stay home. So, I went.

And it was a lot of fun. And I didn’t throw up! The vodka sat better than most everything I had eaten prior to that point. It was just a good night with a few drinks (although some of us were more drunk than others) and good company. And it was nice to go home (well, Hell’s home, which is more or less Home 2 for me) and not have drunk so much the ceiling was spinning.

This morning I went and got my hair cut (oh my god, I’ve become one of those girls who blog about when they get their hair cut and their car serviced). It was good, actually, and well overdue. I feel less like a shagpile now and more like a person. And this is a good thing. Hair always smells SO GOOD after you’ve been to have it done. Mine smells a little like fairy floss and citrus right now. Yummy.

And now I’m going to go home, via the supermarket, and spend all night in. It will be bliss :)

Empty

March 23rd, 2006

I am a vast, inspirationless void. I am going to go listen to some Augie March and perhaps rectify that.

And seriously, who the fuck decided 6PM on a Thursday was a good time to do roadworks on the Northern Road? Really not.

Cheer up, sleepy Jean

March 22nd, 2006

Today was pretty craptastic, but there are a few things making me really happy tonight -




  • Spicks and Specks. I don’t watch a lot of TV, but I always make sure I try and remember this is on. I’m so glad I watched it tonight because the FIRST QUESTION OF THE WHOLE SHOW was a question about Ani DiFranco that included a sound byte from the song Manhole. (Also I have a bit of a crush on Adam Hills, and it’s no small way because he was being so nice to that older lady who I can’t remember the name of. Guys who are nice to old ladies make me swoon).

  • On the Righteous Babe website they have announced new DiFranco tour dates. This is the first time she has played live since she suffered a bout of tendonitis over 12 months ago and had to stop touring. No one was really sure what would transpire, and how well she was going to mend, but the fact that she has up and coming tour dates is a really good sign. She might one day end up coming back to Australia after all.

  • I got those tickets to Augie March tonight. I’m kinda glad I held out, because now we have tickets to the Saturday night rather than the Friday night. With Korn on Thursday night and traffic always being a mofo on Fridays, going to this gig on Saturday means I won’t have to rush. And there will be bacon on Sunday morning. And the world (and Hellen) will rejoice.

  • Andrew Bird and his violin-playing prowess.

  • I think I’ve become boring. All those things were music related. OH! I know -



  • I got my mobile phone back after 4 weeks of Brenda having it. I’ve found that the only mobile phone brand to supersede Motorola for all-around fuckedness is Siemens. Honestly, that phone was crap.

  • I’ve just remembered why I love watching Lateline so much. It’s grey-haired men who use the terms ‘dogs breakfast’ and ‘demarcation dispute’ in the same sentence. Ahahaha and he just said fallacious. That’s such an awesome word.


I’m going to try for bed before 11:30. A story on ABC radio this morning (and as a sidenote: please, whoever stole Adam Spencer’s laptop, please give it back to him. He was trying very hard to be understanding this morning and was being a bigger person than I would ever be, and it broke my heart) scared me to death because it said people who cut short on sleep each night can die of terrible diseases. Well, it wasn’t so scare mongering perhaps, but it’s to do with depleted immune systems yada yada. It mentioned each person has a ‘sleep bank’ which makes sense. Tonight I intend to make a deposit.


That sounds a bit strange, doesn’t it?

Evolve

March 21st, 2006

So there were 14 messages this morning, not twenty. And they were on my mobile, not my work phone. It’s a good thing I was caught in that tailback this morning – it gave me the 20 MINUTES I needed to clear my voice mail.


Why is it that when I get home from work I’m never hungry, yet I get hungry at about 10 o’clock? It’s not like I can sit down to a meal then – it’s too late to cook anything and apparently you have funky dreams if you eat just before you go to bed. And I really don’t need any help in that department. It might have something to do with me not getting a chance to get lunch at work until about 3 every afternoon.


I got one those generic ‘answer 50 questions about you and forward it on to all your friends’ emails from Hayley today. She’s a walking contradiction that girl. I know she’s smart, but she’s so coarse in how she speaks and in her mannerisms and how she addresses people. Yet, in this email, some of the answers she gave were so well-written and insightful. It’s almost like she dropped her bogan guard for a second and let the real her through. Example -


42. Who do you miss the most? My Nan and Pop. I didn’t realize how much I could learn from them until it was too late.


And this was most certainly a shot at Tara, who sent the email originally -


12. What characteristics do you despise? People who claim to be open minded but judge you for who you are and look down at you for the things you do.


And then she pulls out the bogan -


21 . Who do you least expect to send this back to you? Only sending it to 4 people so you had all better reply or I’ll slap you silly (or flog ya with a wet flanno).


Classy.


I usually lack patience with these sort of emails. I delete without reading most every email I get that has funny photo attachments or that has been forwarded 27631723 times. And these types of ‘get to know you’ emails are usually as insightful as a conversation between two goldfish. But I actually learnt something from this one. There’s hope there yet – she’s a smart girl with her own take on the things who is still thinking about the world and her place in it. I honestly thought that Wagga had killed any independent thought in her, but I was wrong.


And that makes me happy.

Go to bed already!

March 21st, 2006

Okay, the first time Nathan, Stew and Tara phoned me tonight, very very drunk, it was funny. The second time, mildly amusing. The 7th and 8th time, not so much.

Me – I’m going to bed.
Nathan – Oh no you’re not.
Me – Oh yes I am!
(muffled phone passing noises)
Stew – Hello! You’ve just won the raffle!
Me – Oh really – what did I win?
(muffled phone noises and Stew asking ‘what did she win?’)
Nathan – The prize is fucking huge. You need to come down here and see it.
Me – Yeah, okay, I will be there in like 7 hours.
(muffled phone noises)
Tara – AHAHAHAHAHAHA
(muffled phone noises)
Nathan – Seriously, you gotta come down here. This shit’s huge.
Me – I can’t believe how drunk you are on a Monday night.
Nathan – I know. Tomorrow’s gonna be bad. Did you know Tara’s ticklish behind the knees?
(background noises of Tara screaming her head off and begging for mercy)
Me – Aha, leave her be!
(muffled phone noises)
Tara – AHAHAHAHAHAHA
(muffled phone noises)
Me – Really, I have to go to bed.
Nathan – Oh no you’re not.
Me – OKAY REALLY NICE TALKING TO YOU BUBAI NOW.

Now I have my mobile switched off and I’m not unplugging the modem tonight. What’s the bet there’s about 20 drunken messages on my work number tomorrow :)

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