And to this I said OH WELL

Hawkesbury Show + Hawkesbury Group 2 race day + caravan and camping fair = mother fucking traffic chaos. A 5 minute trip to Richmond and back just took me 45 minutes.

Augie March tonight though!!! YEY! 😀

Also, HOLY MOTHER OF GOD lookie here at the line-up for Splendour in the Grass. It sucks so much ass that I will probably find no one who will go with me. I’ve already checked with James etc. and they’re not going, and without even speaking to Hell I know it won’t fly. It’ll be tough, because it will involve taking leave and a bit of driving and a lot of camping (and money – it will cost a lot of money). Still, I am not giving up on the idea just yet.

I’m guessing, anyway, that Death Cab and a lot of the other bands will be doing side shows. A girl can hope at least. Although, then comes the fun of finding someone will go see Death Cab for Cutie with me.

Yeah. I’m wishing myself good luck with that one too.

Falling away from me

n. pl. tin??ni??tus??es

A sound in one ear or both ears, such as buzzing, ringing, or whistling, usually caused by a specific condition, such as an ear infection, the use of certain drugs, a blocked auditory tube or canal, or a head injury.

Or, a Korn concert. I hope my hearing recovers before I go see Augie March tomorrow night.

It was unlike anything I’ve ever seen. I’ve never been to a big stadium metal concert like that – they’ve all been in smaller venues or at festivals. Both of those have their merits, but I can honestly say there’s nothing like being part of a sweaty, heaving throng of people all moving to the same pounding drums, grinding guitar and guttural vocals. And every one with their fist in the air.

The Superdome is a good venue. I’ve been there around 4 times now (I can’t remember exactly, maybe more than that). Once was when Mum and I went to see some Spanish dancing horses show, and the place was about 2 thirds empty, which was weird. And then once when I was with Dad and we went to see The Eagles – completely opposite experience in that it was packed to the rafters and rocking.

This time though, it was pretty much full. I think the upper most level was empty, but they had it covered with heavy red drapes so it was hard to tell. They’d split GA into two sections to stop crushing and they had some kind of 1st and 2nd class GA thing going – you could only get into the first cattle crush if you had the right coloured wristband. There was a lot of security there, and a lot of ‘catchers’ who were solely there to stop the heads of the crowd surfers hitting the ground when they reached the front of the crush. Because of the internal design of the building it felt like we were part of this big bowl of heaving, screaming life that culminated at the centre with the mosh pit. From our vantage point it was pretty awesome to see.

We had really great seats – close to the stage (maybe 40 metres away) in the first row of reserved seating. We were elevated maybe a metre and a half off the ground and the only thing separating us from the mosh was a rail and security guards. We had an amazing view of the stage and we were able to look out over the whole thing.

The music was great, but the visual to me was the best part of the whole night. When you put strobe lighting on a crowd that size, and every one of them throws both fists in the air, it’s like something from some weird sci-fi or war movie. We were a worshiping mass at the altar of Korn.

Aha, I am so metal.

For the first track there was only the 4 of them, but they still had curtains over a lot of the stage. Then, when the curtains pulled back it revealed maybe 4 more musicians (a keyboard player/mixer, another guitarist, a percussionist and a back ground vocalist who also helped with percussion). All the musicians that weren’t Korn were wearing different masks and formal attire.

They played a lot of the obvious tracks, a lot from the new album, and they played Shoots and Ladders which I got a little excited about. Particularly as he came out from the dark stage into the light wearing a kilt, playing the bagpipes. That was awesome. OH and my favourite part of the whole stage setup? The percussion set. Holy crap! Huge drums, massive gongs, ginormous wind chime looking things that needed to be beat with a big stick. Also, there was this large sheet of metal, suspended from the whole setup, that they kept beating with a mallet. It made the most insanely intense sound.

No wonder my ears are ringing.

As awesome as it was, it didn’t really help the perpetual headache I’ve had all week. It’s weird, because I NEVER get headaches. I know a lot of people have trouble with them, and if you’ve got sinus issues or whatever they can pretty much plague you, but I genuinely never get them. Sometimes my eyes get sore, and sometimes I have trouble focusing, but never the throbbing head.

I have had this pounding, drilling pain behind both my eyes for 2 days now. It could be lack of sleep (because lord knows, at some point that’s got to catch up with me) or it could be just general fatigue. If I added up the hours I’ve done the last couple of weeks I’m probably do myself in, so I’d better not. I’ve had a couple of very late nights here too, and I’m never one for just going straight to bed when I get home.

I guess, when you think about it, in the last 2 months I’ve had trips to Wagga, people staying (squatting) for weeks, music festivals, a birthday, various other music gigs, a job that is more a circus than a workplace and a fairly full-on exam. And I’m sure that’s not all. It’s no wonder my body is saying enough already.

I need to try for a decent amount of sleep tonight because tomorrow night promises to be a big one. I’m really looking forward to this gig. I can’t sleep in in the morning either, because I have to run a training session at work from 9 to 12. God damn!

Whose idea was it to start a freaking trainee mentoring program anyway??!! Wait, that’s right, it was mine. And now that it’s coming together and we have people converging from all over the place expecting to be taught how to mentor other trainees, I guess I should show. Oh well.

Aha, one good thing that happened today? My car got cleaned by 2 very bored Ukrainians. They’re waiting to head to a job tomorrow and asked if they could do it. I don’t think my car has ever been so clean. I gave them some money in the end because I felt really bad about how dirty it was. They were stoked.

Also, I’ve been paying Artem out all day about his ring tone. I mean, ring tones as a rule generally suck, and I’m all for just having one that you can hear that doesn’t burst your eardrums rather than something that plays It’s Gettin’ Hot In Here by Nelly. Artem’s, though, is the Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies from the Nutcracker. Every time I hear his phone ring I end up creased up with laughter. I just love that this macho Ukrainian guy, who insists on doing all the lifting, changing all the light bulbs and opening all the doors, has a ring tone like that.

He’s learning quickly that in Australia if people pay you out it’s because they like you. I was trying to convince him today that if I didn’t like him I’d have ignored his ring tone altogether.

I’m not sure he’s buying it.

I hold my cards up close to my chest

I spoke to Hellen on the phone tonight. It was so good to speak to her properly again – since she’s been away I have really missed her. And it’s not just the emails every day, or the regular text messages. It’s been a tumultuous few weeks, and not having her presence has made general navigation more difficult. She’s always in my corner, and always there to tell me I’m not going crazy – it’s everyone else. I missed that.

Tomorrow is all about KoRn. I’m looking forward to it, but Hellen is almost peeing her pants with excitement. It will be a lot of fun 🙂

Tonight I took a step. It was a small one, when you factor in the size of the ultimate goal, but really the effort it took to take that step was monumental. I am not telling anyone about it, I’m holding it close. My resolve is small and delicate. If it pokes its head out of a hole, you’ve almost got to turn your back on it and ignore the fact it’s there. And don’t draw attention to it – telling everyone else that it’s there is a sure-fire way to scare it back to where it came from.

So I’m holding it close in the hope that it will hang around. I feel things shifting, both in myself and the world around me. It’s a little unsettling, but it’s exciting too because I know what it means. It means good things. And I’m ready.

There is no such place

So I came to a decision today. I’m not going to pursue the house.

It’s a little sad, letting go of this. But it feels right. I really put some thought into it today, and even though a lot of the decision is based on my gut, I think it’s also the smart thing to do.

I reread this morning my post on New Years day. On January 1 there was a lot I wanted to achieve this year, and I really feel like I’m part of the way to getting there. Thing is, if I invested all my time/energy/money/stress into this one (fairly big) thing, all that would have to be shelved. I would not be able to take the Spanish course I want to start in July. There would be no more art workshops and going out and I’m really only starting to do all those things. I’m excited about it, too. There are things I need to work on this year, places I need my head to go, and things I want to achieve for myself. Now I feel the momentum picking up, I’m really nervous about slowing down.

Work is a bit vague as well. I’m not quite sure what’s going to happen, and I still don’t know what I want.

So that’s that then.

Sounds like Sunday

It’s looking squally outside today. The wind is whipping up, the sky is deliciously overcast, and the mountains are a deep, bruised blue. All of this is okay with me, because I intend to do very little with my day. There’s something so nice but being inside with the doors closed and the heater on and the curtains open.

Squally is such a good word.

Booya! I just found cheese in the fridge, which means cheese on toast!! Which means I don’t have to leave the house for around another 4 hours, until I get hungry again. It’s a nice thought 🙂

Let’s toast to the lists that we hold in our fists

It’s only Monday and I’ve already worked near two days worth. That’s what happens when you want to take a day off. I got a lot done today though, so I’m feeling rather virtuous.

Things I should do before I go to bed –

???? ???? –?????????????? Write a shopping list.
???? ???? –?????????????? Shower.
???? ???? –?????????????? Clean my teeth.
???? ???? –?????????????? Wash up.
???? ???? –?????????????? Take my washing off the line.

Things I will get done before I go to bed –

???? ?????? –?????????????? Probably none of those things other than the teeth cleaning and the shower.

Things to do tomorrow –

?????? –?????????????? Sleep in.
?????????????? Avoid my phone. I HAVE CALLER ID, FUCKERS!
?????????????? Go grocery shopping (if I can find a supermarket that’s open).
?????????????? Get out of my pyjamas at some point.
?????????????? Do a water change in my fish tank.
?????????????? Clean my car.
?????????????? Not think about work.

Things that will probably not get done tomorrow –

???? ???? –?????????????? The getting out of pyjamas thing.
???? ???? –?????????????? Hence, as a result of that, very few of the rest of those things.

CDs I will listen to for the first time ever tomorrow –

?????? –?????????????? Summerteeth – Wilco
?????????????? The Moon and Antarctica – Modest Mouse
?????????????? Funeral – The Arcade Fire

Things to do this week –

???? ???? –?????????????? Find a way to not let work completely take over my life.
???? ???? –?????????????? Get a pink slip done for my car.
???? ???? –?????????????? Register and insure my car.
???? ???? –?????????????? KoRn on Thursday.
???? ???? –?????????????? Prepare for the training session on Saturday morning.
???? ???? –?????????????? Augie March on Saturday.

Things to do this year –

???? ???? –?????????????? Reclaim my weekends.
???? ???? –?????????????? Drive between Melbourne and Adelaide.
???? ???? –?????????????? Finish The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie.
???? ???? –?????????????? Face facts about myself and my life and the way the world sees me. I am confident of getting at least this one done, because I am already part of the way there.

Things to do before I die –

???? ???????? –?????????????? Live.
???? ???? –?????????????? Love.

Lists I have written today (apart from those above) –

?????? –?????????????? A list of the lists I need to make.
?????????????? A list of urgent jobs at work.
?????????????? A list of not-so-urgent jobs at work.
?????????????? A list of errands to run tomorrow (today, now).
?????????????? A list of around the house stuff I want to get done over the next couple of weeks.
?????????????? A list of the gigs I’ve been to over the last 18 months (that was a fun one!)
?????????????? A list of the CDs I want to put on my iPod next week.

The Mirror

Dear Rosemary Dobson,

I caught your interview on the ABC today purely by coincidence. I had read some of your poems before, but only really in passing, and I had never given them much thought. Today, though, within about 5 seconds you gave me reason to pause, and from the outset you had my full attention.

You were talking about your collection of poems, ‘Untold Lives’. You said that every person on earth had poetry in them, and that even house wives with husbands who beat them and oppressed them had a story to tell and poetry inside of them. You said there was more beauty in every day life than most people could see and a poet is always trying to find different ways to explain and present this. You also said writing poetry is ‘a doomed but urgent wish to express the inexpressible’. I think a lot of life is like this. At least, mine is. I’m not a poet, or even a writer, but when I heard you say that I just wanted to scream out YES.

The thing that got me more than anything else though, was what you said about losing friends. You said you wrote about the people around you in your life, and you tried to project your reality of the people that they are, and that sometimes because of that you lost friends. You spoke about people moving into and out of your life. You looked so sad when you said that – you paused and in that split second the weight of your life experience was so visible in your eyes.

This week I am going to find a copy of ‘Untold Lives’ and I am going to become more familiar with your poems. Today all I wanted to do was get you in a room and drill you with questions and talk to you about your life and what you’ve learnt. I wanted an opportunity to soak up your life experience and learn everything that I could from you.

I have an enormous amount of respect for you and your work – I’m a little slow to realise the genius, but you have a new fan.



Where it’s at

So I ended up going into work tonight until 11:30PM. It sounds worse than it is, because I didn’t actually get there until 5. I slept in this morning (later than I have in a looooong time, which was nice) and then I had a lot of stuff to do today. Good news is I actually got everything done tonight that I needed to, so I can not worry all day tomorrow. And I get Tuesday off too – YEY! 😀

Our office makes funky noises after 10PM. It was really cold tonight, so I had my office door closed and the heater on. Because I was the only one there, all the lights were off in the rest of the office and I was the only square of light. When I’m there on my own in the evening the boss insists on me locking the front and back doors from the inside, which is probably smart. I swear to God though, tonight I kept hearing that back door open. I had music on (which I always do) so to begin with I wasn’t quite sure. The first time I heard it I actually ignored it, because the only way you can get in through that back door when it’s closed is with a key, and I assumed Debbie or someone had dropped in. Then, after about 5 minutes when she hadn’t put her head round my door I went out looking for her. No one was there, and the back door was firmly shut.

About 45 minutes later, same thing, only this time I got up to look. Still the back door was closed. It happened about 4 times and each time I was so sure the noise was that door. In the end, as retarded as it is, I turned all the lights on at the back of the office, including the outside light. I figured that way if I was going to be accosted or haunted I could at least see them coming.

I’ve listened to a lot of Beck today. Inadvertently, really. At work tonight I was scrolling through iTunes the way you do when you decide you’re sick to death of everything you’ve been listening to the last two weeks. I accidentally double clicked on Beck, and when E-Pro started belting through the speakers my face broke into an involuntary grin. I played Guero through twice, and tonight since I’ve got home there has been a lot of Beck on Rage. Soulwax are guest programming and they’re obviously fans.

Bed now. Tomorrow will be all about the cleaning and the washing and the emailing. There are three (not work) people I owe emails to, and it’s important I send them. Tomorrow is the day.

Coming home

I just realised I haven’t yet written properly about any of the bands I saw at The Great Escape (well, except for the Mountain Goats). All in time I guess. We have photographs of both ourselves and most of the bands we saw, so I might get around to posting some of those and writing about it all then.

So I went and looked at the house today. Rather than making the decision in my mind, it’s kinda made it worse. I love love love it. Without me ever having been there before, it feels like home. But there are more questions now. Like, can I really live in something that small long term (because I don’t want to need to move for a long time)? For what it is, do I really want to spend that much money? I know now is too soon for me to buy – by giving in to what I want right now, am I making the next 2 or 3 years harder than they need to be?

Also, the second bedroom is really just a tiny little corner with walls around it. I could get a single bed and maybe a bedside in there, but very little else. What I really need is a second bedroom – I’m actively discouraging any family visiting, but history has shown me I can’t hide from them forever. And when they come stay, I need a spare room to put them in. That’s really the main reason I need to move. The whole of the inside of the house looks even smaller in person – it was kinda quaint in the photographs, but definitely tiny up close.

Like I had guessed, the bathroom and kitchen would eventually need doing. The kitchen is already at that point where everything has a permanent yellow tinge and the benches etc. kinda always look dirty. It happens in old kitchens, I get that, but it would have to be sorted out at some point. When I turned the taps on there was a bit of clunking, but I guess that’s to be expected.

Added to all this, I think there’s some big shit going down at work. There have been mysterious meetings this week with accountants, and my pay was late going in. My gut tells me something’s not right. The auction for the house isn’t until June 6, so I have some time. I’m trying to talk Dad into coming up and checking it out – he will know what to look for and help me be sensible about it.

Do I want to be sensible? You can’t always be sensible. Still, I suppose with something like this it doesn’t hurt. And for some reason I keep coming up with reasons to say no. I need to figure out if that’s because it’s not right, or because I’m a big scaredy cat. Time will tell.