Tonight, looking for something, I started to reread recent entries I’ve posted here. I realised through doing this that my sentence structure and general use of the English language has been going steadily downhill since roughly March. I’m not a writer, and it tends to come through my fingers as it forms in my head; considering the organisation of the content in my head that can be a little dangerous. Because I don’t re-read most of what I post it leads to a lot of interesting sentences. Last night, for example, there were at least 3 sentences that read like Yoda had written them. More time to take over my sentences I need.
I think it’s just laziness. I can string a sentence together; it’s just easier to write as I think – an illegible, chaotic mess. I’d be interested in someone mapping my thought processes actually – I often find myself at a point of thought and think how the fuck did I get here? I KNOW I was trying to think through my day tomorrow, and now I find myself wondering if yellow cars are really more visible at dusk.
It’s probably good for me to make myself take extra time over these things. I always do at work – writing and putting together documents and submissions invariably falls to me, and I always take a lot of time over those to make sure they’re right. Not such a stretch to make sure if it here, too.
I’ve been on the back foot all day today because of the start I had this morning. Last night I forgot to set my alarm, and at 8:55AM I woke up from a very deep sleep to my mobile ringing. The second I looked at the time I knew it was work. As a rule, particularly recently, work is the only place where I’m punctual. I’ve had to pull a couple of the girls up over recent months about getting to work on time, and I figure if I need them to respect my stance on something like that I have to lead by example.
So 8:30 came and went, then 8:45, and the alarm was raised at work that I wasn’t in my office yet. It was Debbie who phoned me, and she found my half asleep, barely audible state highly amusing. I’m a little proud of the fact that I managed to get to work by 9:25, even with having to navigate an accident in Windsor. I was driving along the Putty Road, opening and closing my eyes rapidly trying to focus, checking at regular intervals to make sure I had fully dressed and hadn’t left my pants off or something equally important, and trying to physically iron the pillow creases out of my face.
On the upside, I felt very awake all day. I really need to start going to bed earlier. Why is it that my body clock wakes up about 10PM? I’m sure it’s just a habit or something. I need to retrain the damn thing.
I was talking to Hellen and Tony on the weekend about being single. This is not uncommon, because (as much as I love the pair of them dearly) spending time with a couple, particularly a couple on the cusp of declaring their never-ending love to the world through marriage, tends to amplify your single status. Couples, as a rule, tend to forgot that you can be single and happy – I guess that’s because they have trouble comprehending their own happiness without their chosen person. It’s understandable.
That’s not so much the case with H & T, because (and this is the main reason I love them to death) they’d support me in any decision I make. It does lead, however, to some interesting conversations about being alone and sharing your life and the things you miss about sharing it.
I’ve been on my own so long I’ve grown used to it. It’s funny what you grow accustomed to. Before I went to South America I had got to the point where I wasn’t missing being with someone at all – I didn’t think about it a lot and I didn’t miss it. It’s only after you experience something again, like sharing intimate space with someone, and then you don’t have it, that you miss it.
Tonight is one of those nights. It’s not lonely, because I like my own company. It’s hard to articulate.
Been so long since I’ve been held
Really, since I was his
Probably just need to be held
That’s probably all it is
I’ve been reading a lot of Pablo Neruda before I go to sleep. It’s comforting, reading words so lush and heavy with beautiful imagery. Sometimes you need to be reminded of the beauty in the world, and right before you fall asleep, particularly after a less than stellar day at work, is the perfect time.
I came across a poem of his called I Crave Your Mouth, Your Voice, Your Hair. It sort of ties in with missing being with someone and getting to know someone. The giddiness you go to bed with and wake up with and the overall sun it shines on your day. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve really felt that.
I Crave Your Mouth, Your Voice, Your Hair
DON’T GO FAR OFF, NOT EVEN FOR A DAY
Don’t go far off, not even for a day, because —
because — I don’t know how to say it: a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.
Don’t leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart.
Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don’t leave me for a second, my dearest,
because in that moment you’ll have gone so far
I’ll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?
Sigh. Tonight I’ve kind of succumb to the melancholy. I will roll with it though and shrug it off tomorrow.