Ashes, ashes, we all fall down

Today was a Bad Day.

I remember recently writing about the time of the day when everyone leaves the office and I’m left on my own to get stuff done. I remember saying I truly enjoyed that, and I remember really meaning it. Last week and this week something has changed.

I’m not the sort of girl who cries. I mean, I do plenty of girl-like things (ferrets in cardigans? OMG THE CUTENESS) but I don’t cry. I think maybe that’s not a good thing, but it’s kinda the way I roll. The last time I remember crying was at Nan’s funeral. And you know, funeral, right? Tonight though I could not stop it coming. It hit me at the strangest time, at my desk at work, right before 8PM. Right after around the 72nd text message from the boss about some file that she needed me to find that she couldn’t remember the name of, the content of, or the date or location she’d saved it. And once it started I couldn’t stop it. I put my head in my hands and howled.

The last few working days I’ve found myself a little restless after 5PM, when the office empties. Also a little bit pissed off that I’m always the only one still there. I get over that pretty quickly though, because it’s my job. But I just get so TIRED – the manic day is behind me and many hours of plain old slog stretches out before me, with no real end in sight.

I have felt particularly down during that time at work that I’m on my own, before I come home. I think I’ve finally figured out what it is – I just feel like I’m all by myself right now. I’m surrounded by people all day, but ultimately that doesn’t mean shit. At the end of the day they’ll go home (on time) and I’ll still have my shit to deal with. I will tie up the ends, I will lock all the doors, I will sit there in the one square of light in the big expanse of dark and make sure everything is right for tomorrow. Then, I get in my car by myself, drive home to where I live by myself. If washing needs doing I do it. If dinner needs making I cook it.

Yesterday one of the girls at work got some bad news about her father. She hasn’t ever really had a relationship with him, but regardless, bad news is bad news. She’s been upset, and I’ve been talking to her about whether or not she needs to travel home to deal with it. She tells me she may come in late tomorrow because she has to make some calls. I get all of that, and I feel bad for her. It’s a shitty situation. Still, there’s a small part of me that goes HANG ON now. I haven’t really said much to anyone there about Dad. Unless people ask, I don’t tell. I figure (and I know I’m right about this) that while they’ll appear concerned and compassionate externally, really it’d just be a small blip on their daily landscape. Probably rightly so. I mean, a persons compassion can only stretch so far. I think also it’s important to not bring that sort of thing to work. So here I am speaking to this person about what they’re going through, making concessions for them and accommodating them through this difficult time, meanwhile thinking well, it must be nice having someone to talk to like this; to tell you that it’s right to feel what you’re feeling and of course, do what you need to do. Nothing, not even your job, is more important than what you’re going through right now.

Perhaps it’s up to me to TELL people I’m not really coping. There seem to be a lot of people around me right now that need support of some kind. Visa support, tech support, emotional support, office support. Sometimes I just think it would be nice to have someone flesh and blood to lean on. I’m on the peripheral of everything right now, yet feel like I’m the corner of the bottom row of the pyramid. I could bring the whole thing down.

I’m my own worst enemy in a lot of ways. I wear my independence on my sleeve because I’ve worked hard on myself to achieve it. I was in a place for a long time where I had no strength without others. Now I find myself at the polar opposite end of the scale. I guess it’s like a bucket of water – you bump it, and it teeters. The water pitches to one side and nearly spills over the edge. Then, it pitches to the other side until again it almost spills. Gradually the to and fro becomes less extreme, and eventually the water finds balance and stillness in the centre.

And meanwhile I just have to try and cope with the seasickness.


Tonight, sitting here pushing my way around the world of the internets while feeling sorry for myself, I found the blog of Brad Zellar. This is just what I needed tonight. I have no idea who he is (probably not anyone of perceived worldly importance, because even Wikipedia doesn’t know who he is), but he writes beautifully, and he writes what’s in my heart.

The world can do whatever it wants with you. Don’t hesitate. It can all go so quickly, everything, and then you’ll be left alone in the dark with a television, trying to either forget or remember your dreams, depending on how far along you are in the process of evaporating.

There is a darkness in what he writes, but also a quiet hope. And this, along with Bob Evans, is perfect for moving me out of my funk this evening.

Tomorrow will be more happy and less mopey. Really.


Some sort of equilibrium has been reached. At least, that’s what it feels like. Yesterday I was all in knots, and today I feel like they’ve loosened some. It’s a good thing, because if they’d been pulled any tighter I’d have burst.

I’ve actually got nothing tonight. Today was nice and quiet, and full of sun and walking and grocery shopping. I took some photos, and when I manage to get to a net connection that is faster than snail pace, I’ll upload some. I’m really happy with the camera – there’s some stuff I need to figure out, but I’ll get there I guess.

This week is going to be massive. I have a feeling I should assume the crash position – there’s some confronting stuff I have to deal with tomorrow morning, but I’ve learnt if you get that stuff out of the way nice and early it’s better for everyone.

You know what? Anything I write right now is going to read like cardboard. I’m going to bed 🙂

Mental note to self:

When you’re upset, feeling shitty, decidedly down on the world and stressed up to ->HERE< -, don't take it out on the one person who actually asks if you're okay. The one person who notices where everyone else has failed to notice that you're really not doing okay. Even if the angst is not directed at them, they don't deserve an earful of your pissed off vitriol.

I had pretty much convinced myself this week that I was doing fine. I was coping with all the shit at work okay and I was dealing with the whole Dad thing no problems. I’m fairly easygoing and I don’t ever get outwardly angry, but this morning I snapped where I shouldn’t have. Of course milliseconds after something like that I’m swimming in guilt. Lucky for me I have friends more understanding than I can be.

So yeah, the head is really in a mess. Everything seems a little dark right now, and it’s hard to not think about how much work I have to do over the next couple of weeks. And I’m not just talking about work work – I’m talking about emotional work when it comes to being emotionally strong for people. And also, picking up around 6 things located in 6 different corners of the city that my mother bought on eBay. WTF?? I’m not quite sure where I’m going to find the energy.

The band last night was very good. Very indie rock and interesting with the piano. I’d definitely see them live again. Last night had a strange sort of vibe about it – every one of us is at a weird place right now with our job and/or other stuff and there was a real feeling of relief at being able to let go of things for one evening. To just have a drink, walk out in the warm air and be in the same physical space as people we’ve never met who don’t want anything from us.

I got into a conversation with H & T (well, mainly Tony) about being single. I was trying to explain to him what it’s like to be a girl the size that I am (i.e., let’s all say it together, a fat girl). To his credit, he didn’t back away from the subject like most people do. I’m fairly candid about it, and when I’m upfront about it it usually makes people uncomfortable or they think that I’m fishing for the whole ‘but you’re beautiful anyway!’ comment. Trying to convince someone who has never had a weight problem and/or has no real prejudice against bigger people that really, it can sometimes be hard, is a little tough. They’re convinced I hate myself and therein lies the problem. Maybe that’s it and I’m kidding myself, but the more I think about it the more I know that’s not it.

I say on a fairly regular basis that I’m very hard to offend. A lot of that is probably because anything people can call me and/or insinuate about me I have already thought of myself. I know all about what people say about larger women, because I have already said it to myself about a bazillion times. Also some people can be less than subtle with their opinion. Being realistic about that does not mean I hate myself.

Reality is that being the size I am there are two kinds of people (particularly guys, which is not to say I’m hatin’ on the men, but sayin’ is all) who are going to be interested: someone with massive self-confidence issues who have come to the conclusion they can do no better OR someone who WANTS a person with self-confidence issues so they can treat them like crap and get away with it. I’d like to think I can pick the latter type a mile away, and I have a decent amount of interest from the former type, but there’s no way I’m going either direction. And I don’t think that’s wrong. I don’t want to be with someone who LIKES any lack of self confidence I have, or who is just hanging around ’til something better comes along. I will never, ever be a consolation prize. Because I’m not willing to settle I get that it’s probably going to take a very long time to find someone to spend my time with. I’m okay with that.

Conversely, there is a way to circumnavigate alla this – change the way I look. This is easier said than done, but ultimately the way I am is a choice. The weight I’ve lost recently is only really reinforcing my anxiety about this, particularly as people are beginning to notice. I massively over think things (NO Karen, REALLY?!??! :P), and I really ought to try and keep that in check, but I’m worried I will get even more jaded and pissed off with the world and people in general if I start attracting people more easily when the weight is gone. I’ll be all ‘HEY where the fuck were YOU when I was all heavy and large and not socially acceptable??!’ and then that just makes me bitter, probably.

I’m going to stop typing now because I’ve stopped (did I ever start?) making sense. I know a few people close to me read this thing, and I have no doubt it’s going to make some of them uncomfortable. I even thought about not posting it because of that. But fuck it, if I can’t be honest about my feelings on stuff like this then there’s no point writing here at all.

And T if you read this (and I have no idea if you do) I have nothing but love for you, okay? And respect that you (and H) were happy to talk to me about this when few people will on any real level.


I just wrote a whole long post about how isolated I feel from the majority of the population the majority of the time, and how there must be something wrong with me because I don’t like reality TV and Justin Timberlake. And how it’s like the rest of the world lives only on the superficial surface of things. Then, I read it back and it was all crap. Every single word.

So no one gets to read it and I’m going to bed.

Five, four, three, two, one???


Breathing is good.

A reminder for myself tomorrow, for when my brain is less toast-like and more brain-like –

  • Gold Coast weather

  • Gold Coast in general

  • Theme park resort holidays

  • Validation

  • Support that matters coming from the oddest places

I really missed writing. I even started writing in a notebook again while I was away, because I had all these thoughts building up and I wasn’t quite sure what to do with them.

I am so tired. And a little fed up with airports and public transport. Tomorrow I have all sorts of fun and games – I don’t know how many emails/diary notes I made for my staff saying ‘can you remind me about this Wednesday’, or ‘bring this to me on Wednesday and we’ll deal with it then’. Should be interesting.

And I have no idea how to process the news about Dad. I need to do research so I know how much I should worry. Or not worry. I’d ask Pete about these things, but I haven’t emailed him for a good 2 months and I feel it’s a bit cheeky emailing him out of the blue asking advice on multiple organ transplants. I will do some reading myself and try and figure it out from there.

Right now I’m numb, but I think that’s the exhaustion talking. My bed is pulling me, gravity???

Didn’t it rain

I desperately need someone to be nice to me tonight. To tell me it’s going to be okay without really knowing that it is, and to make me tea. Or someone to say ‘you know what? You had a shitty day so let me go out and bring the washing in.’ Tonight I’m feeling the aloneness and it’s not because I’m lonely.

I think today must be payback for yesterday. During the all staff meeting last night I asked everyone to not bother me between the hours of 8:30AM and 10:30AM. I thought that by having those 2 hours in the morning to sift through email and make some calls, I would finish each day feeling like I achieved something.?? The second I hit the car park this morning the shit hit the fan. Water water everywhere, servers crashing, constant power outs, two people arguing, and immigration crap. It’s karma biting me in the ass for being so presumptuous as to expect time to get things done.

Take two tomorrow I guess.

The light blue horizon spanning a sudden black

There is thunder outside. It’s delicious to be inside with the sky rumbling and crashing on the other side of the door. There’s also a slight feeling of being on the edge – I’m fully expecting the power to give out at any time now. I sat at the door and watched the lightening out on the river flats for a little while; at least, until I got so cold I couldn’t feel my legs.

I finished a book last night. It was a book I was actually pretty into reading, so I’m a little sad that I’m done. I always feel a bit sad when I finish a book, particularly if the characters are well written. Most nights I’m here typing away, listening to music, thinking blah I don’t really feel like going to bed. The last couple of weeks, though, I’ve felt a quiet happiness every time I remembered that going to bed meant opening Lighthousekeeping by Jeanette Winterson.

I need to find something to read tonight. I read online today that Bill Bryson has a new book out – something to do with superheroes? I might see if I can pick it up on the weekend.