What light

September 3rd, 2007

I’m kinda empty. What a horrible, horrible day. It felt like every little thing that crossed my path latched a hold and kept sucking till I was dry.

I wonder how it’s possible to both love and hate something in equal amounts. I’m not the sort of girl who uses the word hate liberally – it’s a strong word, with a force of meaning, and it should be used as such. I spend my daylight hours Monday to Friday most of the time working for the greater good. It honestly does feel like that a lot of the time. It’s the rest of the time, when I am metaphorically beaten and harangued and overworked and taken for granted that I take issue with. And now I fucking DO take issue with it. It took me some time to get here, but honestly, a day like today makes me wonder what the hell I’m doing.

And days like today are increasingly outnumbering the good fight. I don’t know if my hesitation around about a decision is due to it not being the right time, or me being scared. It’s more, I think, what the decision might mean. In the great big scheme of things. I get the feeling inside of me that it’s inevitable, whether it happens now or in 12 months or in 2 years, but I guess the idea is to make the exit with the least amount of exodus damage. If that’s even possible from this point on. Because I’m not sure it is.

Also odd is that regardless of all this, and the 60 hours I worked last week and the stupidity of today and potentially tomorrow, I feel like I’m finding the balance. And also, where one thing ends, another begins, right? So there’s light.

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