Iâ€™m kinda empty. What a horrible, horrible day. It felt like every little thing that crossed my path latched a hold and kept sucking till I was dry.
I wonder how itâ€™s possible to both love and hate something in equal amounts. Iâ€™m not the sort of girl who uses the word hate liberally â€“ itâ€™s a strong word, with a force of meaning, and it should be used as such. I spend my daylight hours Monday to Friday most of the time working for the greater good. It honestly does feel like that a lot of the time. Itâ€™s the rest of the time, when I am metaphorically beaten and harangued and overworked and taken for granted that I take issue with. And now I fucking DO take issue with it. It took me some time to get here, but honestly, a day like today makes me wonder what the hell Iâ€™m doing.
And days like today are increasingly outnumbering the good fight. I donâ€™t know if my hesitation around about a decision is due to it not being the right time, or me being scared. Itâ€™s more, I think, what the decision might mean. In the great big scheme of things. I get the feeling inside of me that itâ€™s inevitable, whether it happens now or in 12 months or in 2 years, but I guess the idea is to make the exit with the least amount of exodus damage. If thatâ€™s even possible from this point on. Because Iâ€™m not sure it is.
Also odd is that regardless of all this, and the 60 hours I worked last week and the stupidity of today and potentially tomorrow, I feel like Iâ€™m finding the balance. And also, where one thing ends, another begins, right? So thereâ€™s light.