Walk on

I have shoes. That’s at least one mission accomplished for today.

Tonight I had dinner with Alan. It’s the first time in a while he and I have spent any time together one on one, and it was actually really nice. We had dinner in Windsor and we talked. It’s all at once comforting and frustrating to see where he is in his life right now and where he’s going. And I’m not a part of it, but I am. I’m sort of on the peripheral of what is happening. And I guess that’s okay.

When you’re in a relationship with someone, and you have been for a really long time, there are certain things that you wish for. Particularly when that relationship is teetering on the edge of a very high precipice and is about to plummet to its death. You think to yourself, if ONLY this person would think these certain things or say what I need them to say, then everything will be okay. And then, when it loses balance over the edge and smashes into a million tiny pieces, you placate yourself by saying well, one day they’re going to realise what they’ve done, and they’re going to feel heart breaking, gut wrenching regret. And then I will laugh and be glad and all will be right with the world.

But I’m not laughing.

I am glad, though. I’m glad that someone got something good from that relationship and that he learnt from what we both went through. And I’m glad that he’s now in a place where he is grateful for what he has and he is at least trying not to take her for granted. It’s the first time since I’ve met him that he’s planning more than 2 days ahead.

I learnt stuff too. I learnt that people change over time, but generally have inherent qualities that will stay the same throughout their life. It is pointless trying to change that or expecting people to be different – it’s not fair. I also learnt that you should start something the way you mean it to progress – if there is something I want out of a situation or a person, I need to be clear about it from the outset.

I also learnt that settling for being second best is no way to live. If I’m with somebody, then they need to be with me. Baggage is one thing, as is respect for an ex and even nostalgia. But pedestals are a whole other thing. I will never again choose to ignore or suck up the words ‘you will never be as good as her’ and I will never, ever talk myself into thinking that that’s okay. In a lot of ways I underestimated how much my self-confidence was decimated during those 4 years and how long it has taken me to recover. It’s slow, but it’s coming.

So tonight I heard him say, no, it was all my fault. Those words that I desperately wanted to hear when we broke up (both times). Now, though, I’m smart enough to know that in any given relationship it’s never the fault of just one person. Whatever the reason the whole thing imploded, there were two people there.

I mentioned before that I also felt frustration today. And actually, I’m not sure I can elaborate on why yet. I think it might be frustration with myself, but maybe also with the comment from Alan ‘if you hadn’t been with me for all that time, you would probably be married by now’. As much as I hate to admit it, he’s probably right. Funny that the frustration I felt at that realisation was almost equally met with a sense of relief.

I like my life right now, but I feel like I’m wasting time. But I should be doing what instead exactly? I have no fucking idea.

A bolt from the blue would be great right about now.

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