The ocean breathes salty

The good news is, I got my laptop running again.

The bad news is, it’s probably terminal. I need a new laptop, and that’s not money I was hoping to spend right now. But this is 100% how I earn my living these days so I really don’t have an option.

I’ve been with the family now for around 26 hours. It’s honestly alarming to me how quickly I can get into a really weird headspace. Regression to my childhood is real, and those relationship dynamics really don’t go away.

I spent a lot of this morning feeling pretty anxious. And suddenly I feel like I need to apologise for everything? Why am I saying sorry all the time.

Note to future self: you need to think and write about:

– Apologising as my first instinct – is there a way I can respond to certain situations without automatically saying sorry?
– Feeling, at exactly the same time, the need to be alone and upset I’m not being included.
– The idea of living out loud. I mute myself so often.
– How to set boundaries without feeling like you’re shutting your life down. And is setting boundaries just another way to stay comfortable in a hole you’ve dug yourself?
– Whether one can embrace the body positivity movement and work to make changes to their body at the same time.

Today I am grateful for those members of my family who embrace me and love me for who I am. They have made this weekend worth it.

A positive thing about myself today: I’ve got to be honest, I’m struggling tonight. So I’ll go small and say I made a really awesome salad tonight and everybody loved it. That’ll have to do, and I will try again tomorrow.

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