There’s gonna be a party when the wolf comes home

I read this on Instagram tonight:

We must declare ourselves sovereign from harmful narratives about ourselves and one another.

Declare ourselves sovereign.

I like the idea of declaring sovereignty. Often, for me at least, when it comes to minimising negative self-talk it feels like an aggressive exercise. It doesn’t come at all naturally to me, and most of the time I feel like I actively need to push against it and force the positive self-talk to combat all the other bullshit that’s in my head.

There’s so much anxiety for me that comes from that approach. And so much room for perceived (on my part) failure. It can feel exhausting.

Sometimes, and particularly recently, the more I see the people around me projecting positivity, the more I feel on the margins. Like that party is not for me. Like I’m the awkward person at the side of the room that no one wants to speak to lest I bring down the vibe.

This idea of sovereignty is a welcome change of perspective. Declaring myself sovereign feels more peacefully fierce. Like I can be a serene and motionless force. Impervious. Hera holding court for only those who bring her what she needs.

Tonight I’m grateful for the current flexibility in my work schedule. I have given myself Wednesday off, and it’s a joy to have the whole day to myself and not know yet what I want to do with it.

A positive thing about myself today: I got dressed to go out this afternoon and I caught myself in the long mirror on the way out of the bedroom and thought to myself ‘this dress looks nice on me’. This might seem minor, but it’s not. It’s the first time any sort of thought like that has entered my head in a while. I’m not sure what it was about today or about this particular dress (it’s not new), but it caught me off guard in the best kind of way.

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