Easily the funniest thing I came across tonight – a letter from Brett when he was in Young (around late 1997 I think, it’s not dated) –

From the mind of Brett
Currently seeking asylum in China
With his liver and kidneys

Dearest Karen,

Moo, baa, baa, whinee, eeaw eeaw eeaw, bark bark bark, miow, oink oink, swim swim swim (fishies), roar, growl, bite bite (ouchie).

I have been taken by Botswanan terrorists and I am bald. Please send food in small unmarked bills (hello Bill!).

How am I. Good I hope. You are well and have just got rid of a cold but ewe are feeling well. I am not a well man, and I damn well resent having to go down the well each day!

I am writing this letter due to me being able to for many years now. I onli haff two emprove mi speling. Maybe, also; my! punctuation?; But any way who how many what HOW are you. I died of Ebola, but it happens this time every year.

I have some questions.

1. Can I have a monkey?
ii. Why won’t you marry me?
C) Why do baboons have purple bottoms?
IV) Is it wrong to bake a casserole containing all the letters from Scrabble?
5. Why is Santa so jolly?
vi) All of the above.

Now let me tell you what happened on the last Wednesday night. Me, Bubba, Kerry (rad student) and a donkey went back to my place and Bubba produced cream.

At this point a lot of the page is cut out, but there are little pieces you can still read like ‘a plank of wood’, ”not there’ said the donkey’, ‘fell down exhausted’ and also ‘but Kerry pulled out a’???

???with a butter knife and stopped. And that’s a true story.

I have a horsie, his name is Major. He goes ‘buck, buck, get off you lard bucket’. (Very strange picture at this point of I’m guessing is a moose, with the caption ‘This is a picshure of a moose. He goes ‘moose”.)

Are Italian vampires afraid of garlic? Karen I would like to thank you for the dinner mints, but they get stuck in my ear. Why do kettles always get the best seats at the bar? I have a horsie, his name is Major. I have a moose. His name is moose.

Beware of evil spirits!!! Rum is one such spirit and can cause illness. I have a moose. His name is Major.

EXCUSE ME! Can I have some service! Nobodies ordered MILK before!!! Shut up you damned gold fish. I must write quickly because I have a hoose. His name his hojer.

More to follow (attack the fort at dawn).

Luv Venkattapattie Bob Major Brett.

There’s also, in the margins, various computer jokes (RUN DOS RUN) and some suspect German?! ‘Halt halt Maria, eist ein der Liederhosen’ schprecken Hienrich. ‘Nein’ schprecken Maria, ‘eist ein der Wiener Schnitzel’. ‘Ha ha ha’ schprecken Maria and Hienrich.

There was also a letter there from him welcoming me to join the Chicken Liberation Organisation (CLO). He’s a special boy. No way would I have got through uni without him.

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