As sure as I can feel my knees

I really hate funerals.

I guess that’s a pretty universal thing. So much palpable sadness in one place can sort of fuck with your head. I’ve been in a strange head place all day – well, since I went to Joyce’s funeral this morning.

The thing about death is it forces you to face your own mortality. You ask yourself morbid hypothetical questions about your own funeral, and you begin to question how you’re living your own life. I suppose that none of this is an overtly bad thing, it just makes you weary.

And there’s nothing that breaks my heart more than seeing a guy trying for the stiff upper lip and failing miserably. I just wanted to hug him and hug him and find some way to ease the pain he was feeling. It was horrible – he was SO angry. It was just emanating from him, and because of that all of the members of his family were giving him a wide berth. In the end on one side of the room there was Adam in front, Michelle beside him and Mum and I behind. And then just rows and rows of empty seats. Thing is, by running from him when he’s like this, they’re all making him worse.

So tomorrow morning I will head back over there and see how he’s holding up. I know, from experience, he will at least be feeling some relief that the worst is over. I just hope he lets go of some of the anger he is feeling toward his family because life’s too short to waste boiling over on the inside.

Christmas this year has an air of calm about it. Every year down here it’s a circus – too many people to see, too many presents to buy/unwrap/take home and too much food. There’s an apathy this year though that has sort of permeated the whole thing. There are no concrete plans for the 25th, and no one seems in a hurry to make any. And normally that would bother me, but it seems to suit me fine right now. I will take it as it comes, and I’m sure everything will fall into place.

Being on holiday means I’m getting some sleep. My inability to fall asleep until around 3 is negated somewhat by being able to sleep in until 10. Getting some (even broken) sleep has I think made all the difference to my state of mind this week.

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