A heavy sack of flour, sifted

I tell ya what, I am all kinds of glad I don’t have to look at that office for almost 2 weeks. It just seemed to drag on and on and on. First I wanted to get away on Friday afternoon, then that didn’t happen. Then I thought perhaps I could put 8 hours in on Sunday and that would be enough. Then I thought I’d go in for an hour or so today to make sure all the loose ends were tied up. 4 hours later I walk away, and still I know there’s shit there I should have taken care of.

Let it go Karen.

Tomorrow I have every intention of spending all day in my pyjamas watching High Fidelity eating marshmallows cleaning the house and packing to go away.

Tonight I had my first Spanish lesson for my intermediate course. It was equal amounts of fun and terrifying. Because I did my first two courses with a different college, and all these people have spent the last 6 months in the same class, I was walking into a situation where everyone already knew each other. They were making references to mystery text books and talking about things like ‘we covered this last term’. She asked what I’d covered with the other college, and I told her, and she went ‘ah, just try and keep up, okay?’ which scared me to death. As soon as we launched into it though I felt better right away. I think I’m behind where they are on verb tables and general grammar (they obviously spent a lot of time on that last semester) but I have a lot more vocab than they do. I’m sure this is mainly due to my time in South America. Anyway, I will swot up on verb tables this week and hopefully will be all over that shizzat by the time I come back from my break.

The weirdness from the weekend is still hovering. I’ve been here typing away for the last hour trying to articulate exactly where it’s stemming from, but even after maybe 2 pages of words and one very convoluted conversation with someone on MSN, I got nothing. What I’m coming to realise though is that the way I see and translate the world is directly related to the way I feel about myself. I think I’ve known this for a while, but sometimes shit like that just hits you up the side of the head, you know? Generally when I’m struggling to cope with things is when I’m having issues with myself, my lack of self-discipline or my level of self-confidence.

On one level I genuinely like the person that I am. On another level I have nothing but self-loathing for the person that I’ve become. There is very little middle ground when it comes to being Me. I should probably work on that.

On something completely unrelated, I really don’t get the MySpace thing. Like, not at all. Most bands have one, but they really don’t have any sort of information. Band official sites are much better for tour dates and you just cannot beat Wikipedia for information. The one thing MySpace IS good for – if someone wants to check out the music for a band you won’t stop crapping on about, generally they stream 2 or three tracks from their MySpace page. So there you go, not useless. Almost though.

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