I put too much on the table, now I got too much at stake

I’m still alive. Just in case you were wondering.

It’s my last night in Cowra. I’ve actually had access to the interweb for most of the last week, including the last 2 days here (let’s hear it for wireless technology!). I think, on some level, my unwillingness to post here has been part of a knee-jerk reaction to every single thing and person demanding a piece of my time and emotional or physical energy. About a week ago I decided they should all get fucked, and I think posting here was part of the carnage.

It’s been a subconscious thing, really. I think with the big changes, with the long-term life moving changes in your life, this is often the way of things. I talk, I type, and I articulate. Oftentimes too much. I think, also at times, to my own detriment. I’m a god damn open book – if I’m feeling something, you’re seeing it or hearing it or reading it. The time between the thought in my head and its birth into the world is tiny. It gets me in to trouble and leaves me feeling like I’m always giving away the emotional upper hand.

Time for talking ends now. It’s not really a declaration to the world of a change of tactic or even really a challenge to myself – it is me, with my head on my knees, with my tired little brain ground to a halt, knowing I just can’t do this any more. I can’t work the hours I’m working. I can’t hold anyone else up any more. I can’t be racing around putting out fires that I haven’t started – at some point it’s all got to stop. And really, writing about it won’t help. Talking about it won’t help. I’m sure by now the people who have listened to me over the last 12 months are as sick of it as I am.

I have enormous potential as a person. I need to back myself and my creativity and my ability to get myself out of this mess. I need to not wait for things to come find me – I am going to go find them. I am going to find people in this world who understand who I am, so that I don’t feel I have to explain myself at every single corner and intersection. Sometimes I defy explanation, and that’s okay.

I will be posting a little less. I will be online a little less. That’s okay too.

So this is me, in the same time and place as last year. The wind has been knocked completely out of my sails, but I’m not sinking yet. It’s only really been the last 2 weeks that I’ve realized that no, I’m not sinking yet. All year I’ve been trying to outwardly project to the world a bravado that belies how out of control I’ve really been feeling. And I’m not fooling anyone.

No more talking. I am going to be brave, and bold, and the world had better look out because I have a slight feeling that when I reach full flight I will be a force to be reckoned with. It’s a different bravado to last year. It’s less certain, but with more resolve. And I think, for now, that’s perfect.

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1 Reply to “I put too much on the table, now I got too much at stake

  1. […] Something changed though.  From the outside it may look like something changed because I moved or met new people or started seeing someone really wonderful.  And sure all those things are a large part of why I’m in a much happier place right now.  No understatement to say about a billionty times happier.  But then on the weekend I came across this post. […]

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