Walk along to another day

January 16th, 2006

Sunday night. I always feel contemplative on a Sunday.

Tonight I have a feeling of wasted opportunity and an impending sense of dread because of work tomorrow. We have a very big week this week – important visitors from Ukraine and Racing Victoria, new staff fitting in that need training, Brenda being back in the office and her usual demanding self, and about 2732 hours of migration work that needs to be done. I’ll get there, because I always do, but the idea of it makes me weary.

Australia lost the cricket tonight too, so that sucks. Still, it was a really close game, and the last 20 overs were a lot of fun to watch. It bodes well for the 5th of next month. Watching live cricket at the SCG is one of my favourite things to do.

I woke up this morning with a list of options for the day. In the end I sat on the couch for about 2 hours, listening to Jeff Buckley, and from there I couldn’t work myself up to do anything. So, instead of going driving like I had sort of planned, I went to Castle Hill and bought some goldfish. I now have 3 new additions to the family and some company for Osama.

And tonight I had a phone call from John. When he emailed me this week asking if he could call, I was kinda dreading it. Not because I didn’t want to speak to him, but more because I was worried about his motivation for calling. We were emailing pretty regularly, until about 3 weeks ago, and then it all petered out. And to be honest, I was really okay with that. Part of me thought he was only keeping in touch out of some sense of obligation and feeling the need to be polite. Anyway, an email Thursday (I think Thursday) out of the blue asking if he could call.

And in the end it was fine. There was no talk of my feelings about him or what happened or any crap like that – the things I was worried about. It was more just catching up and him asking me how I was and saying let’s keep in touch. He said he missed talking to me and the sort of conversation we had – I think he’s lonely. I really wish good things for him – he’s such a lovely guy and a rare gentleman.

An ant just crawled out of my CD drive. That can’t be good.

I have so much in my head right now, but no words for it. I had the same problem last night. I had a Word document open for about 3 hours, but nothing. And I really feel like I should be writing about it, because the one thing I’ve realised since I’ve had this thing up is that it genuinely helps. But with all this stuff in my head I really haven’t the faintest idea where to start. It’s about letting go of the past, and looking toward the future, but about being brave enough to do that. And I’m not talking about work, but more about relationships and people. Finding a way to heal some scars and not be so scared. And realising it’s not always about me.

It’s also about doing something with this clarification I’m getting every day. Stuff is coming to me during the day and during my sleep – memories of different things that happened in the past, and also different ways of seeing things that have been bothering me for a long time. I’m sure it’s all working up to something; I just have no idea what. Right now it’s this huge amalgamation of thought and feeling – until I sort through it and figure out what’s what, I can’t write about it.

Aha, wow, that made no sense at all.


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