Older chests

June 27th, 2007

I think I mentioned earlier in the week that while looking for something in my archives I came across some stuff.  Turns out reading old blog entries is like reading old letters you’ve written or old journals – there’s all at once this driving compulsion and repulsion.  It’s like a train wreck but you can’t look away.  It’s the reason I don’t do it very often.

It would be only a little understatement to say that the year of 2006 was dark.  So much happened last year.  Bad stuff.  Stuff that made me question so much about myself and my family and all the decisions I’d made up until that point.  The best way I know to describe it is growing pains – I don’t think I have ever done so much growing in a 12 month period as I did last year and in the latter stages of 2005.

There was a period of perhaps 3 to 6 months where there was a lot of woe is me, a lot of I’m so confused, and a lot of it’s so dark and I can’t see the light.  Must have been terribly interesting to read. :P  It was the reason I started the blog though – a way to articulate the mess.  An attempt to, at least.  It’s turned into something else, and actually bought me many things, but that’s how it started.

Something changed though.  From the outside it may look like something changed because I moved or met new people or started seeing someone really wonderful.  And sure all those things are a large part of why I’m in a much happier place right now.  No understatement to say about a billionty times happier.  But then on the weekend I came across this post.

It helped me realise… I had control over these things happening.  At some point I made a choice, subconscious or not, that things were not right and I had to make changes.  I think at the time that last post was written, as much as there was a decent amount of resignation and throwing my hands in the air and WHAT THE FUCK about it, I’d decided to let a lot of stuff go.  Metaphorically I mean.  And through that I opened myself up to a lot of new things.  So as much as the changes increased the happy, I made the changes.  Myself.

I’m not sure you can ever know what you truly want and need until you’re happy with yourself.  At least, on some important levels.  I have some issues to straighten out, and some self-confidence stuff the people very close to me are aware of, but as a rule I’m getting kinda clear about what I want.  And with that, it’s almost like the universe is presenting it or something.  Since the time of that post, at the end of last year, so much has happened.  And it’s all stuff that has been as good or better even as last year was bad.  And that was pretty bad.  And it’s not about it being ‘my time’ or luck or anything like that – at least, that’s what I’ve come to realise.  It’s about backing myself and taking control and telling myself I deserve it.

I need to keep telling myself that, because I have this persistent, annoying voice at the back of my brain consistently telling me that I don’t.  But I have the muffler on it right now and the music, and I mean music in the all-encompassing sense not just he melodical and lyrical sense, is drowning it out.  I wonder why it is that some people have just as much trouble accepting the good as they do accepting the bad – almost more trouble, even.  Members of my family have a talent for it.  Last year I spent a lot of time trying to break out of that mould and you know what?  I think I’m getting there.  I’ve some work to do, physically and mentally, but I’m getting there.

And I feel really good about that.


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