Work your way out

July 3rd, 2007

My job is a fairly huge part of my life.  Well, less so in recent months, but still.  So it stands to reason that I occasionally talk about it.  It’s helped, recently, to talk to someone who is somewhat outside of the (more than a little bit fucked up) situation.  It helps with perspective.

Anyway I was saying on the weekend that I’m not really done yet.  And he was saying to me that it doesn’t appear that I’m done yet.  And turns out the answer is yeah, I’m not done yet.  The reason I gave was that things felt unfinished – I felt like I needed to tidy things up, there were things I wanted to achieve, and I didn’t really feel like now was a smart time to walk away.  I’ve thought about it a lot since Sunday and I reckon I’ve figured out exactly what it is…

If I leave now I’d have failed.

Not so much at the job part – I’m actually pretty good at that bit.  It’s more about the conquering part.  The finally figuring shit out part.  The not letting my job rule my life part.  I’ve been saying to everyone in my life for so long now ‘it’s going to change – I’m going to sort this job out and control it rather than have it control me.’  I know for a fact my people are humouring me now when I talk like this.  And that’s okay, really, but I really want to DO that thing.  To actually achieve a balance of work and life and love and all that other stuff that is supposed to be in the mix of the balance.

And I can do it.  I know I can.  With this job, too.  And I tellyawhat – if I can do that very thing, with this job, then I can achieve anything.  I don’t have a game plan yet, but I’m tenacious.

I’m not sure any of that made any sense at all but I’m sorta too tired to work myself up to care.
Also, it’s not 11PM yet and I’m going to bed.  Bowie seems less than pleased about this idea, but he’ll learn to live with it I’m sure.  And probably kick that plastic bottle lid up and down the hallway in protest for the next 2 hours.  He has has seriously grown twice the size in the last 2 weeks.  He’s starting to look like a real little cat now.  He sorta swaggers, too, like he’s all that.

(And he is, but we don’t tell him that over here at CFG HQ, because he needs no help with the ego).


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