Can you see that young star up ahead?

You know what I miss? I miss feeling close to the sky.

I knew when I moved I’d really, truly miss the view. In Wilberforce I could see for miles and miles. I could sit for hours watching planes take off and land from Richmond airbase, hot air balloons float over the Hawkesbury, farmers mowing turf farms all the way to Windsor, the neighbour feed his cows, and most everything happening on the mountain ridge directly to my right, stretching all the way to Richmond and Grose Vale.

It was also the most amazing place for watching storms roll in from the south west – I could see it build and build, and then I could smell it in the air, and then the trees would give way to the wind, and then I could see the rain sweeping over the farming land below me until BAM it was coming in through my front door. Literally – even with the door closed I’d sometimes have to push a towel underneath it to stop the force of the weather coming in. We were fairly exposed up there on the side of that hill.

Driving home from work in the evenings, parking and then getting out of the car, I always felt so close to the sky. There was nothing in front of me but open space, nothing on the horizon but mountains, and nothing above me but air and clouds and atmosphere. I always felt so close to the elements, and I always felt like I had my finger directly on the pulse of the weather and the earth around me. Every night I could watch satellites fly over me, and once around every 3 to 4 weeks I’d see a falling star. It was so dark up there with the lights off; the stars were just phenomenal. Shards of light piercing through utter blackness. Added to this were the frogs I was constantly removing from my house, the blue tongue lizard living in the laundry, and the massive amounts of birds in the trees.

It was only tonight that it hit me how much I don’t have that now. I really love living where I do – I settled in very quickly, and the move felt right. Still, tonight when I was wandering around the front yard, clearing out my mailbox, rolling up my hose, putting out my bin and generally just noodling around, it struck me how long it had been since I felt close to the sky. Or even looked up at it really. I have a streetlight directly out front which eliminates any star viewing, and now I spend most weekends in the city. It feels a little like something is missing.

Added to this is the increasing pull of the city. I’m saying nothin’ about moving right now, but for the last few years most everything in my life has been pointing to a move in that general direction. I was talking to Hell about it this weekend, like I have spoken to her about it a lot over the last few years. The only thing stopping alla that is my job. And well, we’ll see about that. I mean, I drove in for a gig on Wednesday night, I drove in for a gig and other shenanigans on Friday night and drove back on Saturday, and tonight I was going to drive in for drinks and an acoustic set in Newtown, but I just couldn’t face the drive again. And that kinda sucks, because good company and decent music would have been nice tonight.

If I do end up living in the city, there will be no stars. They will be there, just not for my eyes to see. And I’m not sure how I feel about that. I guess I will get that from other places, and it’s always there to find when I want it. This coming weekend I’m heading to Wagga, and there are plenty of stars there. Particularly if I head up to Willans Hill. Also, I will be spending around 5 hours on the Hume Highway on Friday night, and I always feel close to the sky there. Even rocketing along the highway at 120 kph. Disturbingly close – if I get out of the car, on the side of the road, and it’s completely dark, the enormity of it all feels kinda heavy as it falls around me.

I’ve always liked that though. Feeling small.

Anyway, it’s something I got to thinking about tonight. This weekend there was a lot of discussion about moving and change – from everyone. It happens I guess. Part of me wishes I could fast forward 5 years to see where it all ends up. I know for my own sake though it’s better to take the journey, as much as my stupid brain is always in a rush to the end.

Aha whoa tangentitus. I was talking about stars, right?

Anyway, I should finish up this email for work and then go to bed. This week, unless I’m gravely mistaken, is gonna suck.

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