You can never really be sure. Of anything I guess. Thereâ€™s always something to the side waiting to jump out and derail you. Or attempt to, at least. I guess the thing to do is just make sure you have as tight a grip on the rails as you can, so you can take the hit.
The last couple of weeks, and this weekend particularly, Iâ€™ve done a lot of thinking about the future. Often thatâ€™s not a particularly comfortable sentence. The words â€˜the futureâ€™ have in the past meant various, uncomfortable things. Expectations from parents, drilling from teachers, career advisors at uni, desperate words spoken in a relationship that refused to evolve past go, even after 4 years.
Right now it means a lot of things. Some terrifying things, and some potentially wonderful things. On one hand I have this little knot of anxiety on the inside about the way things are going to pan out (particularly in relation to the day job) â€“ whatever happens itâ€™ll mean an enormous amount of change. And yet, on the other handâ€¦ I feel okay about it. Itâ€™ll all work out the way it is supposed to work out. For the first time in my life I am content to let things happen organically. Iâ€™ve had a crack at that since the start of the year, and so far it seems to be working. I still feel sometimes like I have a fairly tenuous hold on things, but somewhere over the last 8 or so months Iâ€™ve found faith. And not the kooky religious kind â€“ just some sort of faith that itâ€™ll all work out for the best.
A weekend of hiding away and deep conversation and very little sleep and exploring the inside of mountains and wandering around inner city festivals and live music and road trips and blissful companionship has left me in a messy combination of content, happy and limp-raggy. And dreading work tomorrow. I have some amount of resolve about though, so weâ€™ll see how long that lasts. Probably until around 10am 😉
Iâ€™m going to go to bed and read some Plath. Itâ€™s been a while, and even though Iâ€™m currently in the middle of 3 books, I donâ€™t fancy any of them tonight. Tonight Iâ€™ll turn and burn with Sylvia and with any luck sleep solidly for 8 hours.
Somehow, given that my eyelids are rapidly losing their fight with the earths gravitational pull, I doubt that will be a problem.