Dear AAPT,

I’m pissed. Happy? It’s taken me three days to get to this point, but I’ve officially reached it.

Thursday night, when my username and password couldn’t be verified, I took it in good humour and figured (even though it was highly unlikely) that I’d fucked something up myself and hence couldn’t dial in. When I called the first time, and sat on hold for over 15 minutes, and was subsequently hung up on, I laughed about it, swore a bit, and then phoned right back. The second time you hung up on me I sucked a breath inward, then calmly dialled again.

When I finally got through to someone, he seemed helpful. I ignored the creepy innuendo and all the very bad puns he was producing, because he agreed to reset my password. Besides, the poor guy does night shift tech support for a crappy communications company so I was prepared to cut him some slack. Hmm he says, this is odd, there’s nothing wrong with your account and it’s not suspended (ah, NO). So he resets the password and I ask, okay to go right away? No, sorry he says, give it maybe 10 minutes and go again.

So 40 minutes later I try again. Dial tone, numbers dialling, handshake, and then NOTHING. Password and username can’t be verified. Too bad I thought, server obviously hasn’t registered the new password yet, it’ll be right by tomorrow night.

So I stagger home last night after 14 hours at work. I eat something resembling dinner and sit down to write about my day. Dial tone, numbers dialling, handshake, and again, nothing. Password and username can’t be verified. Again. So I think NO PROBLEM, I will call AAPT again and figure this out once and for all.

But you were not answering the phone. In fact, every time I called you told me how busy you were and hung up on me. After maybe 40 minutes of that I gave up and decided that really, I didn’t want to write about my day. And I didn’t want to read anything online or do anything else that might help me unwind.

I get that I’m a dialup customer, and I get that barely anyone on earth uses dialup anymore, and I GET that really you probably don’t feel it’s worth using huge resources to support us dialup users. But here’s a tip – if you’re experiencing ‘unexpected call volumes’ both night and day for 3 days, it becomes EXPECTED, wouldn’t you think? Who do you think you’re kidding?

So please, fix the fuck up on my account so I can log in from home. Additionally, please put on more creepy night shift support guys to answer the phone after midnight, because constant calling and being hung up on makes people mad.




Dear Wilberforce,

I love your quiet streets and your quaint shopping centre. Even though the smell of your turf farms gets a little much at times, it’s nice to be surrounded by green grass and not house farms.

But WHY OH WHY does your infrastructure have to be so crappy? Why can’t I get broadband? This dialup business is getting old.

Please, sort your shit out.




Dear Gerling,

Your new song makes me chair dance. MWAH for that.




Dear Karen.

STOP IT. You’re annoying.



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