Tonight on the coaching call we were talking about the idea of self-alignment and what it means to be in balance and at peace with yourself.
We talked a bit about the last time I actually felt like that, and having thought on it this week I realised it was circa 2008 or so. I was hanging out with some good people and I had made a few really brave decisions and done some (what felt like) pretty brave things. The result of all this was me feeling pretty good about myself. And feeling like there was really no end to the things I could do with my life.
No shock, I guess, that the last time I felt myself balance up was when I started liking myself. When I started giving myself props for making the brave moves and stepping outside of my comfort zone. Building a life for myself that I felt I could be proud of.
What’s different now, though? Because something’s different. It feels like there’s something huge I’m pushing against and can’t push through.
It can’t be the doing-the-brave-things thing. I have made some legitimate and pretty fucking big and brave moves over the last 12 months. And I was brave at a time when my anxiety was at my worst and even leaving the house felt terrifying. And I feel like in smaller ways I’m still doing the brave things. So it can’t be that.
It can’t be my weight. At that time I was very overweight. Heavier than I am now, even. And not really happy about it, sure. But also not wrapping my whole persona within the physical package of myself. Understanding that my worth was not my physical vessel. So whatever is blocking me now that wasn’t blocking me then can’t be that.
I have less people in my life now. Close people, that is. When I got sick, there were a lot of people in my life who kind of dropped away. And it’s understandable, right? You cancel enough social engagements, not RSVP to enough parties, and avoid social media long enough and people just sort of forget you’re there. I’m not bitter about it. It just is what it is. I have less people in my life day to day now.
My health is different now. I have a lot more challenges. Some days I am better than others at convincing myself they’re not insurmountable. I think this is probably at least part of the problem.
I actually think, when I really drill down to it, a lot of what is blocking me mentally right now will be what happened when I got sick. Like the fact that I even write it that way – ‘when I got sick’. Not ‘when I got cancer’. Because cancer is such a loaded word, right? Why does it make me so uncomfortable to even type it? That’s probably something to think about.
I mentioned on Saturday morning, when we were discussing this stuff, that sometimes, regardless of how good and wholesome your intentions are when you set out, doing the work past a certain point can be difficult. In my case, when I set out to start processing a lot of this stuff a couple of years ago, I realised pretty quickly how much work there was to do. How dark it was all going to get before it got light again. And that’s pretty scary, no? Knowing how far down you’re going to have to go before you can work up again. It’s human nature to want to just stop and go…
Nah, I’m good.
But I’m not good. At least, not as good as I know I can be. And so I guess the thing is to start digging, knowing how deep the hole will get, because you’ve got to start somewhere.
Tonight I am grateful for the online group, and for this accountability challenge. I think it came at the time that I needed it most.
One positive thing about myself today: I actually got out my physio roller and used it after my walk this morning. I really need to do that more.